Ongoing Lessons and learnings from this year (written to myself when I say “ you or your”)
– Really work at deeply healing your intergenerational wounds so you don’t project that shit onto others
– We all have responsibility and accountability to take and we are all capable of unconsciously hurting one another: listen and respect boundaries and take space seriously
– Trust and be honest with the ebb and flow of life, give, share, help when you can and also ask, speak up, receive accept when you are in need.
– stay humble be humiliated learn from your mistakes and keep working at being a better person
– stay centered and true to yourself it’s okay to be misunderstood take the time to understand and transform yourself.
– never take for granted trust or vulnerability
– trust in yourself and your ability to heal and recover
– Be kind to one another we are all really going through a lot!
I recently started building a friendship with someone I really appreciate and started opening in a way I haven’t in long time. I started building intimacy and trust with this person that touched my heart and made me feel really connected. I think I came close to falling in love so close that I realized how deeply this person could hurt me; something happened and I got triggered so triggered I reverted to a deep deep mother wound and mirrored the behaviour and treatment I saw my mom give others and myself when she felt vulnerable and would choose to push people away instead of open to love.
I have never been consumed by the rage I felt like this time and I let it take over me and basically cut off this persons head and even used something they told me against them in a very insensitive and hurtful way. I blacked out the same way my mom would and completely pushed the person away the same way she would as well.
When I came back to consciousness I was heart broken with what I said. That I hurt this person I loved to the point I repelled them. It was so familiar the harm I caused as I had been on the receiving end so many times I have just never done this to someone else before.
When my mom would black out and say harmful and abusive things she would choose not to remember or forget and it would never be discussed we would move on like nothing happened until this pattern became impossible to continue.
I recognized immediately this is something I really need to sit with and take accountability for and look at why and how this came up for me.
I realized I also shared some of the same ways my mom would apologize without apologizing and come back Into my life randomly messaging me other things or making light of other situations trying to make jokes expecting me to forgive her trusting that the innate mother daughter love would be enough to overcome forgive and move on without acknowledging or taking accountability. For years this happened constantly and worked. I didn’t have the capacity to override my moms acts of inserting herself back in my life and maintain the boundary of accountability. Till very recently. And I feel the dynamics changing I feel my mom finally having the time and space to acknowledge the necessity to take accountability through holding this firm boundary of space.
I never did this to someone else till recently and also tried to come back in their life through those similar ways my mom would use hoping what we did have would be enough for them to understand I really didn’t mean what I said and was talking from a very wounded source. But that wasn’t enough. Rightfully so, this person had the boundaries I couldn’t have with my mom and held me accountable to what I said while I was blacked out with little remorse. Honestly so fair. It mirrored to me the strength I never had with my own mom and I’m proud they did that with me and had the emotional maturity to hold those boundaries to really make me learn that lesson of how easy it is to destroy a relationship and push some one away when you react from these wounded places.
I’ve come to realize it was the closest I’ve come to falling in love again after having my heart broken so strongly a couple years ago the thought of being hurt again activated my protective mechanism so strong they reacted on complete over drive over protected and completely created a huge barrier to any sort of love or compassion and just created an overwhelming distance confusion and loss of trust.
Trust is the most beautiful thing you can build with someone and so to be on the end to haven broke that with someone is emotional. This person has been a big mirror to how sensitive my heart still is I didn’t realize I had that in me and it was a big shock. I’ve spent so many years recovering and healing from this type of behaviour; to perpetuate it onto someone else was horrible.
It surprised me but I guess showed a new level of closeness or something I haven’t yet developed since and the vulnerability in that. So I sit with this and I soothe my heart with compassion and understanding. I think of my mom and the pain she must have also felt each time she did this and the relief she had from children who would accept her alteritive motives to move on instead of address these occurences and as a result take on the burden and weight to carry and process these deep emotions and wounds and projections for her.
As children we did not have the ability to hold the boundaries to hand her back the reality of what she gave us for her to take the accountability. I hope to continue becoming a better person and taking accountability for my mistakes and I hope to keep healing these inter generational patterns of pushing people away.
I find compassion in these moments for my mom I find recognition of the importance not to demonize or vilify my mom or anyone who hurts me as I feel the source of pain they are operating from in those moments having now done that myself I see in a different way the disconnection pain can communicate.
I understand the importance of taking accountability and I understand the importance of forgiveness when people genuinely want to change but also the time and care and space needed to rebuild trust, intimacy or connection and that sometimes that is just not an option and respecting that.
I feel like this whole situation helped me connect deeper to a mother wound that I have and connect me to healing this wound further and a better connection to what’s it’s like on the perpetuating side rather than the receiving.
I feel like it’s good to get full perspective but this is not a behaviour I condone or ever want to perpetuate again and I look forward to my new level of self awareness and nervous system regulation to break this pattern in my lineage for good. I’m really sorry to get those lessons it had to be projected onto another person but i trust my accountability and ability to take back what is not theirs to carry and take responsibility for this processing will help and clear this trauma.
I am grateful for the lesson and self discovery this led to and part of myself that was revealed I didn’t know existed. We are all capable of unconsciously hurting each other. And can all change from victim to perpetrator in different circumstances. Having care and compassion and being nice to one another is so important. Acting from wounds really only makes things worse. If you have the opportunity to apologize always take it. Our hearts are so sensitive and complex. The deeper we open the more intense I guess the reflex to suddenly retract and cut things off. I hope to continue to learn to open and find safety In loving another again.
Have you ever hurt some one you love?
What wound did this hurting of another source from?
What childhood patterning did it reveal you are also ready and responsible to work on?
We’re you able to take accountability and reclaim what is yours to process?