We keep coming to face the darkness of the source of our traumas many times in our life in different attempts. This time for me has been spending a month at home for the first time in my life actually, alone. This is a space that has been hard for me to return to in many ways and this is also the space that has set up a base of me always feeling that I am a guest and not always welcome, that homes are temporary and not always safe, that its necessary to have an escape plan and to be very cautious in settling and that has actually made it something very unknown for me to settle to ground to feel safe or be at home really anywhere.
It is not actually the space the environment it was the circumstances the relationships the cycles of hurt. The space itself I actually love which made it really complicated for me as I did always enjoy returning home to be with my huskies the nature the land but inside the house was often after a few days a very scary place for me and it was always best to leave.
Ive started habits of never unpacking my bags, living out of boxes, not knowing how to make a space a home, not knowing how to feel welcome or safe. But this summer in many ways has tore me raw in the ways I need to work on this in the way I need to look at my roots of why I run away why I choose to leave why I always have exit plan why I expect things to become unsafe why I live in such a temporary mind experience. Why I have trouble being in one space for over a certain period of time why I have trouble trusting and trouble opening to a space.
This ties into other areas of my life as well with relationships and people it is all connected. It is hard for me to open to trust in safety because it has been a theme for violence to spew from those who are meant to be the safe and trusted ones. So ive really been looking at that this summer and really trying to have compassion for my history of movement and displacement that has led to these issues but also have accountability that I want to continue to better myself and look at these hard things and learn to live in a more comfortable way.
So this optimal test the first week I was here I reverted to some unhealthy coping mechanism from my childhood I think being in the space naturally almost by muscle memory once some things got hard that is what I started doing eating sweets all the sugar I could find I ate mostly butter tarts and hot chocolate completely not nourishing myself having an empty fridge and just eating sweets. I was disappointed in myself but also really hurting for a variety of reasons facing and confronting things ive needed to and have gathered the strength to do but also becoming overwhelmed and numbing through that and scrolling on instagram was even more disappointing that is very hard on my nervous system I find as an introvert its almost like going to a social gathering of 500 people but when im down I don’t use it as a tool for learning or work I just consume and indulge in meaningless scrolling that deprives me from connection to purpose connection focus creativity love and wellbeing I find when you’re not feeling good instagram can become a very toxic place if you’re using it as a coping support. I have to remember to it is not instagram it is myself and I have to look at what its triggering within me and for this past week it was a lack of boundaries a lack of focus a lack of routine and structure and I was giving my time away to this app and it was frustrating me not because it exist but because I was neglecting my needs by distracting myself on this app.
So thats when a huge catalyst happened. Through my scrolling I came across this story from a woman I follow and really appreciate their sharings and resonate on a healing level @theheartdoula which was talking about home making. I have never heard of home making before but she said its about making your space in to a place you want to live. And a light switch really clicked. I have never done this with a space before as I know I will always leave but I decided I need to change that even if just for temporary I need to start making my spaces enjoyable and desirable to live potentially settle grow and build!
So then I also remembered something I had been wanting to implement into my life which was the 40 days of devotion that @blucosmiceagle has a podcast I listen to called Deja Blu had been completing which I was really inspired and curious by. I wanted to bring this kind of routine and structure into my life as well and decided I was missing so much structure I would start doing this and tie it into home making. So ive started waking up each morning and starting my morning in a way that is nice and enjoyable pleasant and really inviting to a good day ahead.
I wake up and reflect on my dreams and then I incorporate all things I love doing. Previously I have no idea why I wasn’t doing this but having a morning routine is actually so so nice to start the day in a way that brings you peace and joy. For myself after reflecting on my dreams I drink some water then go into the living room and do some light stretching of my spine some deep breaths and then I write a little bit in my journal and then I play the singing bowl and then I do a self reiki practice and connect with myself and my guides and then I play the singing more more and then write in my journal some more reflections and mantras that come from my practice. Then I go into the kitchen and this is the biggest breakthrough for me is I start cleaning. Cleaning has been connected to an immense amount of childhood trauma, and pressure and fear I have an immense amount of resistance around cleaning that I have been trying to soften by actually simply starting to do it regularly in an enjoyable way. So I put on some music which is another thing I forgot but that is so nice to start the day with I play an activation vibration playlist dance and clean at the same time. I absolutely love dancing and it has been so therapeutic to start dancing again regularly and moving my body and playing and cleaning as well it all feels really good. then I have breakfast ive been trying to nourish myself properly this is something I still have to work on ive had some issues related to cooking that became traumatic specifically this summer that im still recovering from but slowly reintegrating cooking in an enjoyable way back to my life and remembering how to nourish myself. Ive been enjoying eating breakfast within my routine. Then weather permitting I go outside and harvest plantain a herb that grounds me and brings me back to the earth to the ability within me to stay and heal and feel. Then I do some writing for example this is something I wrote after my morning practice.
Its something I have often found almost cringe in the way its presented that has made me not want to a morning practice so many people especially on Instagram have almost commercialized it in a way that was threatening to me but at the end of the day taking away all external influences and coming back to myself this is to care for myself and my needs an dry nourishment and my enjoyment and fulfillment throughout the day.
I find my morning practice sets me up for an enjoyable creative and centred day to confront whatever the day brings and it is very natural and desired for myself now that I have started I will definitely be continuing.and it really ties into homemaking enjoying the space I am in. Today I picked some flowers for on the table in the home and just simple little things make such a difference for enjoying the space making it a home and desiring to be there. I am recreating my relationship with this home as a place I want to be as a place that is safe as a place that is grounding and loving. And I hope this base holds me through as more people begin to reenter the home again.
It is definitely still a fear of mine that things can go violently wrong but having had this experience of safety and care and peace and joy within the house I grew up in for myself has been a real treasure that I will treasure for a long time it has brought me a lot of peace to have this good moment in my home however things turn out once things change.